a peek inside

moving

2008-07-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

think i'm gonna make the jump...

http://peekinside.wordpress.com/

we'll see!

2008-02-26T11:44:00.000-08:00

"The greatest battles of life are fought out every day in the silent chambers of one’s own soul.”

~David O. McKay

Invictus

2008-02-26T11:11:00.000-08:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

stuck

2008-02-25T14:40:00.000-08:00

Every once in awhile - at various points in my life i find myself here... unmotivated, and more importantly (?) more... *significantly*... uninspired. and feeling absolutely desperate for that fire. for passion. for some little ‘nugget’ that might hopefully propell me further artistically/creatively – hell, even professionally.

i keep envisioning this outside force pushing (or pulling) me towards my creative/professional goals. MAKING things happen... when, in reality, I know it should be me. i KNOW i should be looking inward. inward to my own creativity. my own passion. my own fire. That nothing is going to pull me into success. There’s nothing out there making it happen FOR me... the inspiration. the fire. the creativity that i yearn for is not something that i’m simply going to “stumble upon” or walk into. i have to make it. it comes from WITHIN.

i know i have it in me. i KNOW it’s there. i just have this overwhelming feeling that i'm always stopping just short of 'genius'. that it’s my fate somehow, and that i’m doomed to just being “close” but never quite tapping into my full potential. that somehow, SOMEWHERE there’s this door which will lead me towards whatever it is that i feel like i’m missing but just can’t seem to find – no matter how I try.

i mean, what is it? what is the missing piece?

there’s DEFINITELY some component to “the process” that i don’t have. or that i don’t understand... something isn’t clicking and i’m missing out in a major way.

i don’t WANT to accept that this is the way it will ALWAYS be... i just feel... stuck. I’m in a pattern of repitition that i can’t seem to escape.

i’m feeling bottled-up.

restrained.

like i’m about to explode if i don’t make some sort of progress.

i just don’t know how.

you know... i need fuel (external fuel) to inspire me to create (internally) from within – (don’t we all).

i could be – no, i am – one of those people who’s sustained by art. i thrive on it. on the indescribable joy of creation, period. and lately, that side of myself has been DYING from neglect. i mean, i can’t exactly help it – due to the circumstances of life sometimes – sometimes we find ourselves just having to SURVIVE... i think that, for me, I’m finding that – just as importantly as the act of living each day. just making it through... making it to work on time. paying bills. eating. breathing. sustaining life. and love and relationships – for me, there’s also creation and creativity and feeling like i’m contributing to... i don’t know... to culture? to one's heart? to... whatever it is inside me that makes me want to know – to FEEL – life. to SHOW life... i need that. i need to DO that – it HAS to be a part of my daily existence.

the term ‘creativity” seems so trite. so, 'Hobby Lobby'. So... ‘Martha Stewart’

I don’t know. i guess that’s why i hesitate to use that word in thinking about what i’m missing in my life right now.

in this reasoning, I can definitely identify with the ideals behind “the Artist’s Way” and “The Secret” because, for me, art/creativity/the art of creation, itself has always seemed more like a religious/spiritual experience for me - moreso than organized religion itself. nothing in life makes me feel closer to my Creator than the act of creating... i look for God in art. in finding artistic fuel – to feel alive. to connect with everything. with life!

man, now i just sound like some sort of artsy-fartsy-hippy... and it sounds so cheeseball, but it’s kinda true.

the process of creating is most certainly NOT just a Hobby Lobby/Martha Stewart thing for me. and it’s not something i do to fill my spare time... i think it’s essential to my survival and, more importantly, to my spiritual well-being.

and for one, i have been neglecting it. and two, i don’t even know how to tap into it fully... i feel like it’s something i should KNOW with all that i am, but i just fall short...

bleh.

it doesn’t even make sense to ME.

i’m just typing... not really understanding what i'm trying to say.

isn’t it a weird sensation to KNOW you need something, but not understand what exactly. or HOW. or why... but you just know that if this “THING” doesn’t exist for you, then your life isn’t yet as it’s meant to be.

i can’t really descibe it other than that.

i KNOW there are things i’m meant to accomplish. i know THIS is not where i’m meant to be in my life... i have more to do. i have more to contribute, but i just can’t –for the life of me – seem to figure out how to get to where i don’t even know i’m going...

seems the obvious first step is to find out where i need to be. the second step is to go there.

easy, right?

Heh.

i know i need stimulation. visual. cultural. mental...

i need to surround myself with other creative people. i need to discuss life and art and philosophy and music and laugh at how rediculously lost we are in ourselves. i need to know i’m not the only one who feels the way i do.

i need a push on this swing of life. i need someone to show me what i can’t seem to see for myself. or show me HOW to see what i can’t see...

i need a jumpstart out of the haze i've been living in. i need to jump out of my comfortable little rut and DO something!

I just don't know what.

Is this the point where i just say "fuck it" and i go back to school? Or am I just needing a vacation? Meditation? concentration? distraction? stimulation? new occupation?

who the hell knows...

So, i just keep spinning in this hazy circle of uncertainty. Unsure of what to do or where to go to stop the cycle and finally just move forward.

2008-01-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

say

2007-12-25T18:47:00.000-08:00

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put them in quotations
Say what you need to say (8x)

Walkin like a one man army
Fightin with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say (8x)

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for getting older
You better know that in the end its better to say too much
Than to never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Why?
Say what you need to say...

Interview with Daniel Karslake, writer/director of "For The Bible Tells Me So"

2007-11-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

Exerpt from the interview...

We're very much still in a discussion in this country where both sides are yelling and really not listening to the other side. So one thing that I'm really hoping is that the film can lift the conversation out of that separating point and that people will at least start to hear another way to think about gay and lesbian people in the Bible and walk away thinking, "Okay, I respect what these theologians are saying, I respect what conclusions these very faithful Christian families are reaching and I will just let that lay instead of trying to change them."

What I will say, though, is that a lot of the initial response I've gotten from the film from the people I most made it for, these conservatives who have another view of the Bible, have been very strong and very positive, and more positive than I'd even hoped.

We had our world premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in January and at Sundance there were groups of students from two very conservative seminaries who came to the same screening. And both groups of kids, or not really kids but in their early 20's, emerged from that screening desperate to have a longer conversation with me about the film and about the issue. They asked me to come to the church — they were sleeping on the floor of a church throughout the festival — and i went to the church the next day and we had an amazing conversation where a lot of them said, you know, we couldn't sleep last night, we couldn't believe there were these stories of good Christian parents who had gay kids, and I've never really been exposed to what gay people are before and I think maybe I've been misled this whole time.

And another woman stood up at one of the screenings and said, "I'm a born again Christian," and I thought, here it comes ... and she said, "I just want to thank you for reminding the world about the real message of Jesus," and she sat down. And I thought, wow — I think this movie actually is resonating more deeply with people than I'd even hoped — especially the people that I want most to see it ... Because all five families are Christian families who are wonderful and to various extents embrace their gay child but also stay in their faith. So I have a lot of hope.

xx boys

2007-10-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

sunday morning

2007-10-21T06:22:00.000-07:00

i woke up early this morning. i don't know why... maybe because i was in bed before 11:00 for once. today is my dad's birthday. i think he and my mom probably think i forgot. i have to stop and get him a card on my way over for lunch. i should get him something too. i just don't know what. maybe a gift certificate to home depot. i really don't know.

i'm rambling. i want to write - i'm just not quite sure what it is i want to write ABOUT.

This was a productive weekend, overall - i mean, there are still a couple of big things i haven't finished that i was really hoping to conquer, but that's okay. maybe this afternoon when i get home from dear ol' mom and dad's... then again, maybe not.

i started feeling kinda crappy yesterday afternoon, and today i feel it might be more of the same. i hope i'm not getting sick. kinda feel like i might be. bleh.

i need time for myself, and i know this is good for me - probably the BEST thing i could be doing right now, but it's SO hard to battle that 'fight or flight' instinct that comes from being alone. the first few hours are nice. i really enjoy time spent by myself - but as the afternoon/evening moves on, a sort of panic comes over me when i realize there's a great possibility that i could go a whole day without seeing/talking to anyone... and i'm (seemingly) automatically propelled into this place where i want to call someone and make plans to do something. but you see, right now, that isn't the easiest thing to do... my friend situation is in a weird place at this point in my life. most of my friends are either coupled or married, and like most people who are in committed relationships - they have their own, busy lives, and aren't really up for "spontaneous" outings with friends (especially newly single friends), and the fact that the more spontaneous couples within my group are either A. splitting time/caught-up in the middle/balancing between my ex B. too far away to be much help C. too caught-up in their own lives to care about hanging out or catching-up OR D. not speaking to me at all.

see, when i'm alone for an entire day/afternoon/evening (or more), i get rather introspective. and the analysis of my life begins (thus, why i'm here... blogging about myself. trying to find answers. make some sort of poignant self-discovery. something. i don't know.)

i really should go back to dr. therapist, but since H continued seeing him after our break-up that made it really easy for me to back off and stop going all-together. plus, it just frustrates me sometimes... as smart (and CORRECT) as he is on so many things regarding my past/present/future, there are some things that i just don't want to deal with right now. maybe i'm scared. maybe i'm rebelling and just being defiant regarding these changes so obviously need to be dealt with. maybe it's the thought that the person i'm to become seems 180˚ different from who i've been. it get's so overwhelming.

i'm definitely at a point in my life (personally and professionally) that if i didn't have my elderly parents here, I would seriously consider moving away... to just get the hell out of here. portland maybe? i have a friend there. i could start over. i've never wanted to stay in dallas, but unfortunately, right now, that will have to wait.

i really need to get myself sorted out. i need to re-focus. hell, focus - period.

it's 8:51 and i've been up for almost an hour.

maybe i'll go to church.

maybe i'll keep rambling here.

maybe i'll finish the chores i didn't get to yesterday.

maybe.

maybe.

maybe.

...story of my life.

sony bravia has done it again

2007-10-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

The Bravia spots seem to have hit upon a winning formula: Colorful objects awaken otherwise drab urban landscapes. Directed by Frank Budgen and shot in stop-motion animation, the new, minute-and-a-half ad features hundreds of colorful plasticine bunnies that appear to be taking over New York City — squeezing out from manholes, drainpipes, and garbage cans — all set to the Rolling Stones song "She's a Rainbow."

greatness...

play-doh

You can see the first two commercials from this series below...

paint

balls

for the BIBLE tells me so

2007-09-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

I really want to see this. Thankfully, it will be showing in Dallas in October.

See schedule for all screenings: http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/screening.htm

my motto for life... this totally sums it up :)

2007-09-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”
~ Carlos Castaneda

that little crack baby bettah not stick no fork in me!

2007-09-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

on the lighter side...

I just downloaded the first season of Logo's, "The Big Gay Sketch Show" from itunes

ha!

and her tail never stopped wagging

2007-09-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

Today I lost my best (fuzzy) friend and longtime companion. Jester was with me for 10 years – Through the frustrating, confusing, difficult yet triumphant process of coming out (to myself and others). And through each of my painful, heartbreaking break-ups – she's always been the one constant, unconditional love in my turbulent life. Through sickness and health (her's and my own). I rescued her when she was nine months old, and by the time she was one, she'd developed juvenile canine cateracts and eventually just about every other health problem a cocker can have. And while I was going through months upon months of tests (and worry), she would lay quietly at my feet and somehow seemed to know that I just wasn't myself.

But, we always took care of each other... all the way to the end.

Back when we were both young pups, she loved chasing birds and holding pine cones in her mouth when we went on walks. She woke me early and jumped on the bed, always excited to start the day. Her happiness was contagious, and she had the biggest heart of any dog I've ever known. Always gentle and patient – to a fault.

There will never be another like her. It hurt like hell to say goodbye...

There will be one day that your eyes do not enthrall me

2007-08-21T05:48:00.001-07:00

"So, just think of me as just your friend
Who remembers every dress you ever wore..."

what if...

2007-08-21T05:34:00.000-07:00

i'd be better off if i just got pissed-off, got the hell outta this company and forgot i ever even knew her...

no looking back. no regrets. no what-ifs.

yeah... maybe. but unfortunately i care about her too much to do that. not to mention the fact that i really need my best friend right now.

so, what do i do?

push her away when those moments of weakness present themselves? be strong when she can't? pretend i don't want her when i do? ignore my feelings?

i guess that's really all i can do at this point.

Time to focus my heart elsewhere so I can save it from these dead-end thoughts of her. fucking 'what ifs'. sometimes it really sucks being an optimist.

but i'll do what i have to do.

for her.

and more importantly for myself.

HA!

2007-08-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

cougar talk makes me laugh.

2007-08-09T05:10:00.000-07:00

it occurred to me early this morning in the midst of yet another emotional hurricane and evening of upheaval and arguments, that my only refuge is my job. work is the only place where life resembles "normal" and i'm guaranteed any moments of peace or calm or consistency. It's certainly the only sense of order and structure that I have. And right now, it's the only thing grounding me and keeping me sane on days like today...

At some point the crashing has to stop, and no amount of afternoons spent walking in the rain or wine or grasping for other hands will get me out of this.

i made this bed and i don't mind sleeping in it.

but dammit... please, just let me SLEEP.

if EVER i go to prison

2007-08-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

...let there be DANCING!

2007-07-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

i <3 the new tegan and sara!

a lot.

it sucks that the venue where i saw them when they were last here has since closed (along with SO many of the other great live music venues in Dallas).

they are an f-in fantastic live show!

i love this track...

"oh and I’m feeling directionless yes
but that’s to be expected and I know that best
and in creeps the morning and another day’s lost
you’ve just written one dream and I reply fast

all you need to save me all you need to save me
call (call) and I’ll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all
and I won’t take any other call

I feel like a fool so I’m going to stop troubling you
buried in my yard a letter to send to you
and if I forget or god forbid die too soon
hope that you’ll hear me know that I wrote to you

all you need to say to me all you need to say to me
is call (call) and I’ll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all
and I won’t take any other call"

tell me something beautiful

2007-07-25T05:56:00.001-07:00

to bring about a quickened pulse...

Old friend, new memories

2007-07-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

My best friend from junior high/high school is coming through town today on her way back home to Portland. I REALLY hope our schedules work out and we're able to get together – even if I have to go to the airport to hang out with her there during her layover.

She's one of only two people from HS that I still talk to on a regular (or even semi-regular basis). Before the days of MySpace - I'd go months... YEARS without hearing from her and get a random phone call (or, in recent years, an email) out of the blue saying she was in town visiting her mom – WHO, by the way, now lives in North Carolina... which *could* be the reason she hasn't been back to Dallas in... wow... probably 5 or 6 years. I can't believe it's been that long!

Ours is definitely one of those friendships that can pick-up right where we left off – catching up on missing years of our lives – like not even a day has passed.

She was always so much braver than I was... she challenged the "norm". she pushed envelopes. she made her OWN choices. Her life is definitely her own. She's one part gypsy; one part artist; one part philosopher.

And for SO long after we graduated, I was intensely jealous of the fact that she had the strength to do and BE so much that I thought that I didn't/couldn't...

Of course, we've both grown so much since those days of banging on her window at 6:40 so we could make it to our 7:00am zero period class and blasting our Automatic For the People cassette in my crappy Pontiac T1000 (don't be jealous).

I've Found my own strength. Pushed my OWN envelopes. Made brave decisions for MY OWN life. And created my own adventures. And I couldn't be more excited about a NEW age of connection, laughter and memories with an old friend.

2007-07-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

So, this morning I had a session with Dr. Therapist. He is seriously one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my life. I'm SO thankful to have counsel by someone I whose thoughts and opinions I value and trust... I'm comfortable there. We have history. I feel like he "gets" me, and I can't say that about very many people. Yeah, yeah, I know I PAY him to "get me" – I know it's his job, but whatever... He earns every penny.

It's SO crazy to me how MUCH parents, in general, affect the type of adults their children become simply by the act of being who they are. Without even TRYING to influence their children's lives, they do... And even "great" parents, like mine, who do "everything right" in the raising of their kids can STILL have such PROFOUND, negative effects that, we, as adults, battle the ramifications of those seemingly insignificant catalysts from our childhood throughout our entire lives.Now, I understand that my situation maybe slightly more skewed being that I was a gay child raised in such an extremely conservative and fundamentally religious household (and by "older than average" parents). I mean, really?! How could that NOT have "profound negative effects" on my life (Duh).

But... even BEYOND the issues surrounding my sexual orientation - there are core beliefs that I'm fighting to rectify – Beliefs that exist in the deepest depths of my soul and make me who I am. And I don't even BEGIN to know how to wage the battle to overcome them...

Beliefs like:

"Love is conditional on what others want from me."
"I'm responsible for other's emotions."
"At the core of who I am as a person – I am 'bad'"
"I am unworthy (of love. of salvation. etc.)"

In realizing these beliefs and facing what they MEAN about me... I know that this is as much a spiritual journey as anything. Of course I realize, logically, these core beliefs are inaccurate – I know that unconditional love DOES exist. I'm not and CANNOT be responsible for other's emotions. I AM a good person and I AM worthy of love and salvation... BUT when something has been SO ingrained in your life – in your BELIEF SYSTEM - for SO long and since such an early age, it's rather difficult to just give yourself over to logic and all be right in the world – I only wish it could be that easy!

I don't know if Dr. Therapist was raised in "The Church" but I do kinda get the feeling that he might have been. He mentioned today that, in his opinion, no other Christian denomination could be more (ultimately) damaging to a person's soul.

Wow.

What a statement to hear. It made me sad. Terribly, terribly sad... Because I knew it was true. And I felt so, validated, somehow, to know that someone else understood the way that feels. And that was exactly it...

I DO feel damaged. Damaged by religion (not necessarily by God) but certainly unworthy of God's love and acceptance (or my parent's... or anyone else for that matter) and betrayed by my church. Yeah. How incredibly SAD that something (like religion or thoughts of salvation) that *should* evoke feelings of peace, love and hope only make me feel broken, sad and angry...

And I'm pretty sure it's not what God wants me to believe – maybe just a Church (and a dad) who thought they were doing His will by instilling fear and shame through their teachings...

I don't know.

So, I'm on this journey, and it's scary and overwhelming and feels impossible to navigate... and I know that I will have to challenge and confront EVERYTHING I've ever been taught and somehow manage to create a new, more accurate relationship with God (or perhaps, more specifically, with religion itself) that will foster love and acceptance and hopefully bring with it a sense of peace I so desperately need to find.

whew.

2007-07-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

what a crazy, f-ed up weekend.

that is all.

2007-07-15T07:19:00.000-07:00

i'm getting ready to go to the gym this morning. the past two (?) weeks have absolutely KILLED me! I've been eating like crap and skipping workouts, and I just can't do that anymore... my 31 year old metabolism won't allow it. ser-ious-ly.

SO!! Last night was my last night of endulgence... It's so easy to let things go when you're dealing with personal issues. I REALLY wish I was the type of person who regularly (and consistently) turned to exercise and focused my energy on working out in order to alleviate stress (i used to be that person! i don't know what happened) – now, I allow personal turmoil to be an excuse to eat out every night, drink too much alcohol and not enough water.

my body naturally wants me to be where i WANT it to be. i KNOW this.. I mean, it ALWAYS responds very well (and quickly) when I do what I KNOW I'm supposed to do – (even at 31)!

So, consider this my motivational pep-talk...

(Go! Fight! Win!)

Plus, I just can't keep doing this to myself. I feel gross and "blah" and lazy... AND I hate drinking everyday. I do (really!).

PLussss... being single again this is just not good for the mojo, yo (ESPECIALLY at 31)! ...just sayin'

2007-07-13T12:39:00.000-07:00

“A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.”
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Brilliant quote from the author of my favorite book, The Little Prince.

I really should re-read it soon... it's been WAY too long. It always makes my heart happy :)

If you're interested, the English version can be found online here, and the original French version, Le Petit Prince, is here.

"Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.”

2007-07-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

“Come to the edge, he said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came.
He pushed them
and they flew.”
~Guillaume Apollinaire

what is it about them that makes them so frightfully appealing? i want to walk right up and stand there... leaning. pushing. seeing how far i can go – just to know where it is...

is that so terrible? i don't think so... i quite like it. makes me feel alive, i guess. like i'm doing the most that I can with the life I've been blessed with.

i don't know.

I do forget that not everyone is as comfortable exploring life's edges... and that it's not always my place to take them there.

i feel like more often than not, people in general, are willing (maybe just not ABLE,) to go alone – and *maybe* they just need someone less afraid to guide them...

OR MAYYYBE i should just leave them to find their own way.

“When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly”
~Patrick Overton

I don't know. I'm rambling and I've had two glasses of wine... I'm going to sleep :)

2007-07-09T07:07:00.000-07:00

I've written about "off" switches before. how i need one – WANT one - for my crazy brain (especially lately)... okay, maybe not "off" (that might not work out very well in the long run) – a volume control, at the very least.

You know how when you're in the midst of turmoil (or confusion or dilemma of any sort, really), your brain just goes non-stop. And the more it goes (i.e. the more you THINK about the situation), the more confusing everything becomes. And the more you realize you have no idea what you're even thinking anymore...

Nothing makes sense. You feel numb.

My brain has definitely over-exerted itself the past few weeks, and now it doesn't really want to do anything. It's rebelling against my thoughts. My BRAIN is rebelling agains my thoughts... hmm. Yeah, well, that's what it feels like. It's tired, and so am I today.

I just don't know how to make it stop. I wish, for just one day, that I could silence the analysis. The self-reflection. The internal debates. The what-ifs. The incessant contemplation. I wish I could just change the channel and let my brain focus on something else for a day...

just one, stupid day.

sometimes i feel like i'm getting lost in my own journey.

2007-06-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm running in circles. desperately searching for some sign or direction... for ANSWERS to all of my questions, and the harder i search, the more confused and turned-around and further away i become.

you know...

2007-06-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

It's interesting to go back and re-read this thing... revisiting old thoughts. memories. feelings... seeing how far i've come and how much i've grown as a person (in SO many ways) while also realizing how far i've left to go...

i really don't know if i'll ever figure it out.

i mean, really... how many times will i make the same old mistakes? find myself in the same old crisis? Fearing the same old fears?

what am i doing with this life? i really don't know.

sometimes it feels so important. other days i wonder if i'm just wasting it completely. I'm 31 years old!! Geez. How the hell did that happen?? And where did the last 7/8/9 years go?? And what do I have to show for them? Ha. Yeah... SUCH a long way to go.

It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was just out of college. Fresh. New. Green. Trying to figure it all out... What's my excuse now? I still feel like it should be okay for me to use that as an excuse, but I know that's just not the case anymore. I HAVE figured it out... a lot of "it", anyway, but sometimes it feels like every other 31 year old in the world knows something I don't. I mean, don't MOST people have their shit together by this time in their life?! Hmm. Yeah. I also figure that a lot of people, regardless of how much they actually DO, can often feel as though they don't.

So, where does that leave me?

Normal. Average. Self-questioning 30-something...?

No way. This is DO know for sure.

wow... i miss her.

2007-05-31T13:12:00.001-07:00

i'm not sure what sucks worse – not having her in my life at all or being friends and having to deal with moving through life, pretending like nothing ever even happened? i don’t know. and i don’t know why i still care at this point... but i do.

damnit.

most of all, i don’t know why it even matters. or why i (*STILL*) can’t stop thinking about her. oh... yeah, and the scariest realization of all – those feelings were real. i mean... they. were. REAL. sure, it was definitely attraction... physical. emotional. intellectual. spiritual attraction... and probably a bit of general fascination. curiousity. friendship... yeah, such a great freakin friendship...

*siiiigh*

but wow. turns out it was love too...

who knew.

Bless you.

2006-12-09T11:15:00.000-08:00


hahahahaha!

today = blah

2006-12-07T14:58:00.001-08:00

i didn't work out this morning... i've been doing great this week (everyday until today. see,"blah")

i just didn't have any energy AT ALL-- which, might i add, is exactly the OPPOSITE of what SHOULD be happening. normally, you're supposed to have MORE energy when exercising.

blah.

ANNNND to top it off I'm anticipating "being bad" tonight (regarding my caloric intake for the day, that is). We're going to Chic Happy Hour with a couple of friends, and I'm sure I'll have more than a couple of drinks... I mean, I'm PLANNING on only having two. no more (and certainly no less). two vodka tonics. that's it.

ha.

yeah, we'll see how that goes.

i'm also planning on going to the gym as soon as i get home-- I have plenty of time before we're meeting up for CHH.

i'm writing all of this today because, again-- i'm anticipating some lack of follow-through on my part. perhaps this will make me feel more accountable...

time will tell.

i still think i'm gonna cheat.

blah.

2000Suck

2006-10-30T10:34:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I've only blogged three times in the past 10 months. i suck.

priorities change. we get busy. the last thing i think of doing is updating a "frivolous" weblog. still... i kinda miss it.

not necessarily blogger, per se-- i do miss writing. letting my brain explode releasing my mind of all the daily/weekly/monthly/YEARLY crap that builds up and doesn't find a way out... writing had really always been my best outlet. i mean, that's kind of weird though-- for a visual artist. i've never really painted or anything to "release"... it's always been words. sometime collage... or both-- in the form of journaling.

weird.

anyway-- i do miss it. i think i need it. i'm needing that release. that outlet. i really need to make time for it... hmmmm. i guess it's not so frivolous afterall.

new bent focus website!!

2006-03-16T10:25:00.000-08:00

...is up and running! :) :)

wow...

2006-01-18T10:58:00.000-08:00

i can't believe it's been so long since my last post!!

i really hope to blog more in 2006... no, really-- i do.

i think it would be good for me. keep me focused. whatever.

i've just been so preoccupied with my photography stuff lately-- and with trying to figure out what's what, and where to go next with all of this... and when... and how! especially "how".

i really want to make HUGE progress-- leaps and bounds... but it's SUCH a slow process... and what with me not being very patient and all. it's hard.

i want to be where i want to be-- NOW. not in a year. BUT i know i have a lot to learn. a lot to figure out... not to mention, i still have that dreaded "day job" and all.

ok-- but i HAVE been continuously kicking ASS by going to the gym every morning before work... well, almost every morning (with a few exceptions over the holidays-- not just because they were "the holidays" but also because i have been sick off and on for well over a month. suck.)

i actually LIKE going now... who knew that'd ever happen!?

i'm still trying to find my inner bad-ass — she's still in there, and i'm working hard to free her!

"Progress"... that'll be my goal. my motto – my MANTRA, if you will, for 2006. As long as i'm making progress, i'm moving in the right direction.

baby steps.

getting bent and focusing... blah

2005-11-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

damn... marketing is hard work (especially when you don't have a budget!) bent focus is coming along though! i'm really excited about the possibilities!

i'm in atlanta for a week (for the "day job"). it's alright. i feel like a little kid on vacation with family i don't know or something. the vendor that i'm working with here feels like he has to go with me EVERYWHERE... to keep me entertained... to... smother me with... with... good times... or something...? Ugh.

i don't know. i mean, don't get me wrong— being wined and dined for a week is nice and all, but this shy, 40-something, married dude from Podunk PA doesn't really have a lot in common with me: a fairly outgoing, 20-something, lesbian from urban Dallas... erg! i don't know who's having a worse time! :p

i did manage to sneak away this afternoon and locate Atlanta's small (but nice) gayborhood! :)

bent focus

2005-10-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I think I'm ready to unveil the new leg of my photography business...

this is photography for the rest of us.

http://www.bentfocus.com
info@bentfocus.com

WATCH ESPN2 TONIGHT!

2005-09-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.DCI.org/2npse/

http://www.DCI.org/2npse/

http://www.DCI.org/2npse/

:)

2005-08-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

oh my god this is the longest week in the history of... weeks...

it should SO totally be friday by now.

well, the AHS class of 1994's big 11 year reunion has come and gone... and i'm a better person because of the whole experience.

i attended (with H by my side), and it went really, really well... i mean, i didn't really have any expectations (actually maybe i had a few, but they weren't very high). i mean, sure— there were people who didn't talk to me... i expected that, and i REALLY don't give a shit. That's totally their loss. For REAl.

What made it worth it were the people who surprised me with their kindness and support (and cheers! :) and we had a jolly good time!! there were old, embarrassing photos of me with big bangs, there was a lot of good food, beer, conversation and hugs. Looks of astonishment and shock at how much we have ALL changed over the past 11 years (some of us more than others, some good, some really, REALLY bad...)

it was nice to see people that i'd lost touch with LONG ago and realize that we are all WAY cooler now than then...

BUT, most of all, it was fun to secretly laugh at all how fat the bitchy ex-cheerleaders are now that they're married with 4 kids and no life of their own :)

J/K

(sort of ;)

old wounds

2005-08-16T11:11:00.000-07:00

i spent my entire primary and secondary education years deep inside my little internalized, homophobic closet. i was petrified that someone would find out what i really was (i didn't really even know what that was exactly — or if there were even others like me — until well into my teen years).

i hated being gay. i hated myself more.

i played "straight" games. i invented crushes on boys-- just so i'd fit in. i kept the truth inside.

my high school reunion is this next saturday, and the people who are planning this thing put up a website so everyone could upload current photos of themselves (and their husbands/wives and kids, etc.). I've pondered and struggled for several months about whether or not to send in pictures of H. and myself... I mean, why shouldn't I? EVERYONE else is married (most with kids), and probably didn't even think twice about sharing the important people in their life.

over the past 11 years i've only come out to 2 of my friends from HS... i don't even really TALK to anyone from good ol' AHS anymore... so why should I give a shit?

those old wounds have resurfaced, and that fear from my youth has clenched its grip yet again after all these years, and i've been scared out of my mind — just like i was back then, and i really don't know why. I don't KNOW these people anymore. I don't care what they think.

for weeks now i've watch photo after photo go up on this website... "susie whatsit and her husband bob" ... " joe schmo, wife sally and their 2 kids"...

ugh.

well, i started an email yesterday at lunch... "here's a couple of recent photos of myself and of my partner, H...". i attached 3 pictures. Then i saved it as a draft...

i couldn't for the life of me hit 'send"

that damn email haunted me all day long until finally i opened it (for the 12th time that afternoon) and just did it... i didn't even re-read it, or think about it... i just "sent"

now, a day later – after i've seen the photos uploaded to the site (along with everyone else's)... I'm sitting here trying to think how to put into words how i feel...

a little scared. nervous. proud. happy. authentic...

free.

Camping...

2005-07-27T05:34:00.000-07:00

Dirty Jester
Originally uploaded by amy04.

We went camping this last weekend (Mistake #1-- it was hot as 50 hells).

MIstake #2 staying for two nights instead of one... ugh. I'm still recovering (and sunburned!)

Jester had fun, though :) She got to play in the lake... but man, did she get DIRTY.

I finally gave her a bath last night-- stiiinn-ky!

Camping is fun... especially GAY camping! :) All those old queens definitely make sure the lesbians are taken care of! :)

WE cook hot dogs and marshmallows on a STICK, over an open flame... THEY have potlucks with grilled chicken, salads and banana puddin'...

now THAT is some FANCY camping :)

BLECHT!

2005-07-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

i've been a TOTAL slacker at work this week...

you know how sometimes you have those days* where you don't wanna be productive at ALL...

you'd rather just sit on the internet all day, using your company's time and money to research stupid things like trumpet mouthpieces and zoom lenses...

no?

Hmm.

Maybe it's just me, then.

*weeks.

i really wish...

2005-07-19T06:11:00.000-07:00

i had more time to post. life has been busy and full lately, which is definitely a good thing, but i have to remind myself that there are things that i forget to do for me... and those are among the most important of all.

i'm trying to do better.

still working out in the mornings before work (go me!) so far, i've gone the last 7 out of 9 days (not bad, if i do say so myself! :) i didn't quite make it out of bed saturday or sunday... oh well. i'm aiming to be 85% good 85% of the time... we'll see how that works out!

i worked late last night. i had to photograph an "Ops Committee Outing" it was fun... free booze AND i think i got some really great shots (of bowling, but whatever...)

i rented the lenses that i'm wanting (just to practice with last night). i loved them so much that i placed the order for both of them this morning!

more to come on that new (ad)venture...

now... off to work.

(2 weeks until IKEA!! :) :)

ahhhhh yeeea-uh!!

2005-07-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

i'm 5 FOR 5, baby!!

worked out EVERY morning this week.

kickin' ass

2005-07-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

i am SOOOO proud of myself! I actually got my lazy ass up and went to the gym this morning before work!

one day down (4 to go) — hey, it's a start, right?

it wasn't nearly as terrible as i thought it'd be. back in the day, when i was a lean, mean workout machine, I would do my workouts in the morning. i really prefer getting it over with. now, i'm through for the day, and my evening is free to be productive (ehem... i WILL be productive... dammit)

tonight: 1) tan 2) grocery 3) laundry

and, if i have time after that, i'll work on some of this freelance stuff

:)

but thank the Lord in heaven... no cardio! (at least not until tomorrow morning at 6:30)

ughhhh ppbltblbtlbtlbtb

2005-06-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

i feel, like, sooooo totally gross.

i've been "bad" all weekend. i started off ok this morning, but THEN i was "bad" again at lunch.

now... NOW... i feel... oh.. so... very... guilty.

i'm a bad, BAD weight loser... i have absolutely NO follow-through.

ARGH...

why can't i DO this!?!?

I USED to do it. I was really fit (skinny, even!) a good 24/25 out of my 29 years. WHAT HAPPENED? I'll tell you what... Life happened. Well, that and my metabolism ran off to guam with my self-discipline.

you know, i start with the best of intentions, fully motivated (by external factors, because God knows, i can't INTERNALLY motivate myself),

but then... a week later, i totally crash and burn in a big, fat blaze of excess.

i need a good swift kick in the ass.

...i also need some pepto.

bleh.

the new place!

2005-06-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

IMG_0793
Originally uploaded by amy04.

i guess we need to put something on that wall...

my sweet baby

2005-06-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

IMG_0836
Originally uploaded by amy04.

body for life

2005-06-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

i'm back to BFL.

i feel really good about it this time around. since quitting football, i've gained too much freakin' weight! ugh.

so, i'm trying really hard. i don't know what the better motivation is: my 11 year high school reunion (hey--my class was ALWAYS a little tardy ;) or the fact that i want to be able to keep up with H... whatever it is, i'm going with it. i have a hard time motivating myself, so i'm grabbing on to whatever external motivation there is, and i'm gonna ride it back to skinnytown! ;)

BUT WOW!!! I had the BEST "free meal" last night: PIZZA, wine AND I made chocolate cupcakes!!

mmmm, miserably YUMMY! :)

Now, I'm back to being good and eating right. it's not nearly as much fun, but oh well... "nothing tastes as good as being fit feels", or at least that's what they say... I SAY, they should have a bite of those cupcakes I made last night! :)

my new hobby...

2005-06-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

...is moving. Apparently.

BUT I am movin' on up (from the 3rd floor to the 6th), AND, as an added bonus, i am now the proud renter of a "normal-sized" /non-efficiency apartment! Woot!

Technically, there were two moves (for twice the fun). H and i are now, finally, OFFICIALLY "typical" (we received our certificate and toaster oven yesterday). i know we had planned on waiting, but opportunity came a' knockin' on my tiny, 280sqft
apartment door; so we jumped on it, tied it down, strapped it to a dolly and moved.

i guess i'm gonna go pop open a miller light and unpack another box...

wish me luck!

FINISHED!!

2005-05-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

...for now.

i'm SOOOOO FRIGGIN THROUGH with fabric tension booth designs.

in fact, if i didn't hate them before — i hate them now.

PLUS i'm feeling unmotivated, uninspired and ready to quit my sell-out of a job — workin for "the man" and the rest of corporate america creating this "art" that they think is "creative and pretty, but don't think quite 'works"

**pltpplplplplplplplppplplplplppp** :P

i'm going to bed.

PatternOfAnnoyance

2005-05-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

PatternOfAnnoyance
Originally uploaded by amy04.

...illustrated

enjoy.

my dog is driving me crazy

2005-05-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

favorite things
Originally uploaded by amy04.

...don't get me wrong. i LOVE this damn dog.

she is the best dog EVER!

**BUT**

she is pissing me off.

i'm trying to work (fabric tension booth, remember?... HUGE complicated project? ...yep, that's the one.)

anyhoo — she wants to play, which, any other night, would be FIIIINE. her constant pawing, whining and droping her favorite toy (*see photo*) REPEATEDLY in my lap would otherwise be satisfied with a romp on the floor and a nice game of fetch...

however — i'm REALLY not in the mood tonight, nor do i have the time.

jester is a smart dog though. she keeps pushing said "favorite toy" under the couch (beyond her reach, of course). wherefore, further PAWING ensues (at the couch), THEREFORE, further annoying the ever-lovin-hell out of ME. WHICH, in turn, prompts me to STOP what i'm working on, get up off the couch, get onto my hand and knees and dig around in the pit of dispair under my couch until i locate her slimy, slobbery toy.

lather. rinse. repeat.

she's killin' me.

TGIF

2005-05-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

this is the end of "employee appreciation week" here at work...

i think if they REALLY appreciated us, they'd let us go home early today.

it's been SUCH a LONG week and i'm ready G.O. go.

granted, it HAS been "jean day" everyday this week. maybe that's what's thrown me off... usually when i wear jeans to work, i can look forward to THAT day being the LAST day of the week...

so, i've had FOUR "psuedo" friday's this week... NO WONDER it's been the longest week EVER.

thank GOD today is the REAL deal.

moi

2005-05-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

moi
Originally uploaded by amy04.

playing with my new canon 20d.

there's so much to learn... not to mention the fact that i'm already rusty and out of practice (is that redundant?... oh well).

here i go again

2005-05-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

...not sure how long it'll last (today only? a week? who knows?!)

i SHOULD be working on a ginormous* freelance project — a design for a tension-fabric trade show booth... unfortunately for my client, i've never created art for tension fabric tradeshow booths before.

*sigh*

not sure i have the correct specs. not sure i have the time. i AM sure that i need the extra money (ka-CHING), so I'm SURE that i'll figure it out...

just not tonight.

I'm SO excited about my new camera. Gonna dust off the cobwebs and seriously pursue photography AS A BUSINESS this time around. Not sure if it will be photography only... or photography and design... or what...? TBD... But i like having options.

speaking of...

i think i'll get back to reading that manual. Digital is a whole new world, yo

* new, hip word that is, apparently, all the rage with the kids these days... i'm cool like that

2005-04-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

my life is full of "new"

new job.

new girlfriend.

new goals.

new worries.

i'm definitely at a new place in my life. a good place. a healthy place.

2004-11-29T20:18:00.000-08:00

i'm such a bad blogger... bad. shame on me.

hmmmm... not that i ever really "blogged".

i "diaried"... "journaled"... whatever.

i can't friggin believe that it's been over a year since my last post. wow.

it seems like eons ago. really.

so much has changed. so much has happened.

lot's of good. a significant amount of bad. quite a bit of the mundane. life. that's about the way it goes. whether it was a year or three or ten. i'd probably say that exact same thing.

"lot's of good. a significant amount of bad. quite a bit of the mundane."

no matter how much time elaspes. no matter who you are. that must be a truth for all of us when we talk about where we've come from.

2003-09-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

I am trying really hard to get my ass (and everything else-- while I'm at it) in better shape.

Since football has been over I haven't had an excuse to workout regularly... I know, I know... my motivation was SUPPOSED to be NEXT SEASON (and getting myself ready to go back a leaner, meaner, kick-ass, football machine... so much for that.

I have to say, my upper body is making progress... and I would probably be doing much better in the cardio/general weight-loss area-- had I not lost so much steam from having to give my body a 1-month vacation from anything too terribly strenuous... so, you know, I could walk up and down my stairs again without wanting to pull my kneecaps off :)

2003-08-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

so now that i have a life again... or less of one (depending on how you look at things) maybe I can find the time for an occasional blog.

i'm really happy that I played football. it has been such a rewarding experience... in more ways than one. i'm actually prettty damn pround of myself for sticking with it. It's by far one of the hardest things I've ever done.

i haven't decided whether i'll try out next season. there's a HUGE time committment involved. but then again, i've met some wonderful people; i've proven to myself that i can do it-- when my body was trying to tell me that i couldn't; it was a great (healthy) way to spend 9-15 hours a week (ugh); not to mention playing women's professional football is just a really KICK ASS thing to be a part of... so i don't know.

i have a few months of off-season to decide.

2003-02-20T11:52:00.000-08:00

wow... i haven't posted in a long time...

i know, i suck... :)

oh well, i hope to start this up again-- life's just been crazy (hectic? confused? muddy?) lately

I swear, this too much? Really?!

2003-01-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

I want someone that will laugh at my stupid jokes, think i'm funny in a silly way – and maybe, just MAYBE, secretly love being in love with a clown. i want someone who loves to be pampered, but doesn't take it for granted. Someone who is genuinely happy and loves to laugh. Is affectionate more than they're not. Will compliment me on a bad hair day just to make me feel better about my craptastic hair — or you know, make fun of me, so we can just laugh about it!

I want a woman proud enough to know she is my equal; humble enough to accept me as her equal.

A woman sensitive enough to hear the cries of others; a woman who hurts when she sees others hurting.

A woman who knows she is beautiful, and doesn't give a damn what the world thinks.

A woman whose eyes flicker with understanding when a thousand words are not said between us.

A woman I can trust to always tell me the truth. She will come to me because she loves me or leave me because she doesn't.

I want a woman with a soul so big that she's not annoyed with the pettiness and ignorance that surrounds us.

I want a woman too smart to buy-into the male/female roles assigned to us as children.

I want a woman whose touch heals the sores in my mind; I want a woman who needs my touch when her soul is in agony.

I want a woman who knows the pleasure and privilege it is to walk this beautiful planet; who is constantly searching for new ways to live life to its fullest and discover all it has to offer.

I want a woman too proud and strong to want me to own her; too confident in herself
to want to own me.

I want a woman I can love.

I want a woman who can love me.

2003-01-13T11:25:00.000-08:00

ok-- so i'm a reality-tv whore. i'm a prisoner to my television!! this madness HAS to STOP!!! It started with Real World ten some-odd years ago... then Road Rules... Survivor... now Real World-Road Rules Challenges! and Surreal Life and Batchelors/Batchelorettes... American Idol... Joe Millionaire.... Where will it end?!

see... if i had PLANS... then i'd have BETTER things to do than PLAN which channels to watch every night!!

I really think they need to have a Batchelor-type show for a lesbian hook-up. The BUTCHELOR, maybe?!

Heck yes! i think that's an excellent idea. indeed.

sign me up! :)

2003-01-08T05:38:00.000-08:00

things are finally back to normal (somewhat) at work-- thank GOD! I don't know how much longer i could stand the "holiday slowdown"

the ex came over for a visit last night. i'm not sure if it's a good thing that we're staying such good friends. it really makes get-togethers like last night... i don't know... bitterseet, in a way... i mean, i enjoy her company, and we always have a good time, but-- then it kinda sucks, you know...

i think for the first month or so after we broke up i had these secret hopes that she'd "come to her senses" and want to get back together. but i guess i always knew deep down that her decision would be forever... it's just such a sad, harsh realization.

2003-01-03T07:29:00.000-08:00

thank God it's finally friday. even with a day off — this has been the longest week because it's been so fucking slow around here.

i go to see dr. therapist tonight. it's been awhile. i'm ready-- i'm feeling muddy and unfocused.

it's so weird that one of the most personal and intimate relationships i have right now is with a man --granted he is my therapist... it's just odd to me. i'm not used to having men in my life. i only really have 1 friend that is a guy. then there's my dad and my brother... that's pretty much it, aside from coworkers.

i dunno... maybe it's good that i'm seeing a male therapist... if it was a woman-- i'd probably be too worried about what she thought of me or this or that... with dr. therapist, our only connection is a result of my issues. no worries. less intimidation?

hmmmm...

anyway, i'm ready to go. hopefully i can get refocused and establish some sort of a game plan for myself... i really need a plan.

2002-12-31T12:27:00.000-08:00

woo hoo. 'bout damn time! get to leave at 3:00!!!

2002-12-31T09:49:00.000-08:00

ok, the last two days here at work have been absolutely TORTUROUS!!

i though it was bad LAST week when there were only 7 of us here-- well, yesterday there were only FOUR!!! .... four people... today there's five.

they need to let us GO HOME.

there's no work. there are no people-- well, except for me and those 3-4 other bored, tortured souls...

why am i HERE???

i always wish for days like this-- kinda slow, not a whole lot going on-- until i actually have to sit through NINE HOURS of NOTHING... thank God for the internet... at least it's given me a chance to do a couple of HTML tutorials-- and that could actually benefit my career... so i guess, technically, i could code the time that i spent here at work tinkering with my blog template as "training" -- what d'ya think?!?!

hmmm... maybe not.

i am now, officially, "surfed-out"... i think i've seen everything there is to see on the internet and now i'm starting over.

four NINE hour work days in a row with not a DAMN thing to do adds up to a LOT of friggin' internet... wow. i'm bored.

maybe i'll go to lunch now. 11:48.

2002-12-31T06:16:00.000-08:00

"How do we contribute to our own sense of loneliness?

Loneliness is a passive state. That is, it is maintained by our passively letting it continue and doing nothing to change it. We hope it will go away, eventually, and we do nothing but let it envelop us. Strangely, there are times when we might even embrace the feeling. Yet, embracing loneliness and sinking down into the feelings associated with it usually leads to a sense of depression and helplessness, which, in turn, leads to an even more passive state and more depression."

2002-12-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

ok... so now i'm an official "BLOGGRRL" (rock on) -- everybody has these things ("what kind of _______ are you?", etc.) -- this is my second one to post (whee)

Wow... i'm such a 16 year old girl right now.

You're wind! You are a very kind and sympathetic person. Whoever DOESN'T like you has a mental disorder, because you are a loving and caring gentle soul.

What element are you?

2002-12-30T09:18:00.000-08:00

the weekends are SO HARD.

i go from being happy that i'm independant and self-sufficient and content with cleaning my bathroom and grocery shopping on a Friday night to being really PISSY about the fact that my phone never rings and i ANGRY that i'm cleaning my bathroom and grocery shopping on a Friday night...

but then Saturday comes, and I'm happy again to be cleaning and doing whatever other weekend chores that need to be done. but by about 6:00 i'm depressed again... wishing that i had plans... kickin myself, because i KNOW that i COULD have plans-- if i'd just make a phone call or two... but then being all poopy-pants again because "i don't want to have to make the calls"... then my phone rings and i actually have PLANS!!

(HOORAY!!! PLANS!!!)

then while i'm out-- DOING things... participating in my "PLANS"... i get depressed again... and the more i think about it "why am i so DOWN? i have PLANS!! (hooray!! plans!!!... remember??!?!!)" the more i realize how fucked up my life is right now.

Sunday = depressed again... sad to be alone... but at the same time not wanting plans... but still hoping that my phone rings...

it sucks for a happy person to be depressed. i don't know how to DEAL!

i can't function being down. i don't know how to do it... and right now, it seems like that's all i feel...

i'm ready to get past this bull shit and get on with my normal, happy life... whatever that is... i don't even know what that'll mean for me when i get my life back.

i know transition is a good thing. i know this is something i HAVE to go through. but it doesn't make it any easier.

2002-12-29T15:38:00.000-08:00

i feel trapped. confused. lost. i need direction. i need inspiration. i feel restless— more so now than ever.

i feel like somehow i'm running out of time— as though i'm racing to find so many answers, and i'm stuck. i don't know which way to turn. i don't know which step to take, what decision to make first, and time is just passing me by — as i stand here, motionless, not knowing which way to turn.

i can't think. i almost don't want to think. i really believe that the constant absorption of television, the media, pop culture, technology — are truly the enemies of individual thought and inspiration. of creation..

it's like a bad habit that is hard to break. and it's just so easy to just lay on the fucking couch and soak in the words and images floating out of the tv rather than getting up and creating my own images or composing my own thoughts and ideas.

you get used to not doing it. you almost forget HOW to do it. and you don't know where to start.

i don't know.

i just hate when i feel like this. i feel the need to do something important or creative or profound and it's like i HAVE to do it or i'll shrivel up and die... and i just... can't.

it's so frustrating. i get up, turn off the tv, turn off the radio... *silence*... waiting for my brain to click on. but there's NOTHING... just that damn, deafening static of non-stop NOISE. no thoughts. no ideas. no grand epiphanies. my brain never clicks on. maybe i've killed it. it's like I forgot to water it or feed it for too long and now it's dead.

that's what i'm afraid of.

i guess this is a start. i just started typing. one word at a time. i think this is helping. i think it's also good that i'm learning HTML a little bit. my brain needs to learn something new. i need to turn off all of this damn NOISE inside my head and start thinking PRODUCTIVE thoughts.

i'm going to try to give my brain a week off of it's drug of choice- the constant, neverending rattle of information. maybe i'm overdosing.

2002-12-29T15:21:00.000-08:00

the more i look around this odd community of "blogs" the more i realize how completely and utterly ODD it is that all these HUNDREDS (thousands?) of people-- including myself-- are publishing their JOURNALS online...

diary's used to be so... private--- didn't they?? bought at wal-mart complete with crappy little lock and key and everything-- god FORBID that anybody get ahold of it...

i guess this way we get those thoughts out. we release. we think and rant and piss and moan and be complete MORONS if we want... and nobody REALLY knows who we are anyway-- not unless we want them to-- and we can share a bit of out pain, sorrow, anger, frustrations, fantasy, celebrations, laughter... whatever... with anyody who happens across our little corner of the web.

kinda weird. kinda, i dunno... liberating.

so, as weird as all this seems to me. i like it. i like putting myself out there with the possibility that all these random thoughts will be read by somebody that really, truly has NO idea... but just for one minute...one instant... they'll find a little insight or understanding inside my crazy little life.

2002-12-28T23:28:00.000-08:00

ok... now that i've had a few minutes to regroup... i'll remind myself (after the stern lecture) of the things that are going well.

1. good for me for working out every DAMN day this past week (except for X-MAS day-- but i did GREAT job of stuffing my face with countless sugary sweets and fatty delights-- and isn't that what the holidays are all about?!)

2. my meditation/relaxation techniques are coming along nicely -- i will have a quiet mind and inner peace before i KNOW it!!!

3. good for me for keeping the new crib CLEAN (most of the time, anyway)!!

ugggghhhhh...

this is so crazy.... i can't believe i'm resorting to positive affirmations a la BLOG... oh well... i'm in a transitional period right???

i just couldn't leave today on a sour note, i guess.

2002-12-28T22:55:00.000-08:00

i need therapy... oh wait... i AM in therapy...

maybe it's time i have another visit with dr. therapist.

i'm not sure when my life will resemble "normal" again. all i know is that i'm TIRED of feeling sorry for myself!! and i'm TIRED of feeling so BLAH- all the time-- these days.

i need to DO SOMETHING.

i need SOLUTIONS to my stupid-ass little problems.

AND I need to get ON with my life!!

if i'd put HALF as much energy into getting out of my lonely little den of hell and MEETING some people as i do sitting here worrying and thinking and analyzing every little "shoulda, woulda, coulda" that I can think up regarding the last 5 to 8 years of my life-- I might actually be making PROGRESS!!!!!

DAMMIT!!

so that's my lecture to myself for this weekend.

2002-12-27T11:55:00.000-08:00

i realized the strangest thing today--- i went YEARS without dotting my "i's"... i'm not sure why... anyway, i just recently, say, the last two months or so-- started dotting them again.

it wasn't a conscious decision or anything-- one day i just started dotting.

2002-12-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

this week (well, what's left of it) is going to be loooooong. there's only 7 of us here today and there's not a whole lot going on... i have a couple of billable jobs that i can work on, but they are ongoing projects-- so working one them all day, both days is probably out of the question.

one of my co-workers just stopped by my desk and informed me that next thursday will be 01/02/03 .... hmmmm.... indeed it will.

2002-12-25T20:15:00.000-08:00

by 3:00 this afternoon i was ready to return home to my lonely little apartment. i had done my holiday duty. the bellies were stuffed, the gifts were ravaged, photos snapped, blahsy, blahsy, blah... my obligatory 24 hours were up.

it actually wasn't so bad.

i really think i needed that time away from my life... and from my own, personal dramas of the the last couple of months...

i needed my mommy to fix my bed after i insisted that i would do it and cook for me and be up and on her way to fetch whatever tasty morsel of holiday goodness it was that i — just, moments before — had said that i'd like one more piece of.... ahhh, to be spoiled by mom when you've had two long months of hell.

mom's are the BEST.

no holiday soap opera here, no controversy, no "rockin' the boat" at MY house at Chrisitmas! NOPE, no sir-EE! just love and feelin' good and most importantly, making sure everybody ELSE was feeling good and OK!

thank GOD... i needed that.

i HAVE, in my absence from my life over the last 24 hours come to a few conclusions:
1. 80% of the time that i bitch and moan about being alone-- is because I made the decision to be by myself (whether i like to admit that or not)
2. 70% of the time that I AM alone, I actually ENJOY it
3. i NEED the alone time right now more than I need to be a fluttering social butterfly...

and besides, i don't feel like fluttering these days... actually i never really flutter anyway.

and 4. i need to find something productive and positive to do with the social time that I DO allow myself.

i'm really trying to become a healthier person. my resolutions-- if you wanna call them that-- for 2003 are the same as they were in 2002, only this time I have the time and mental capabilities (i hope) to succeed.

i want to be a healthier person:
1. physically
2. emotionally
3. spiritually
4. financially

easy, right? HA... we'll see...
(maybe i should be more specific...? naaaaa, i'm definitely more of a "big picture" kinda person.)

one day at a time, right?

2002-12-21T11:46:00.000-08:00

a few random thoughts:

i need clarity. i need a second job. i need to work out more... and eat less crap. i need to not think so damn much. i need to get a grip and just live my life.

i think christmas is a crazy holiday. people go on and on about the "reason for the season" and all they can worry about is having enough money and not having enough time to go shopping for all of the zillions of people that they need to buy gifts for. christmas is a consumer holiday-- no matter WHAT people say... yeah, it's all fine and good to spend quality time with your friends and family and do nice things for them... but everybody gets sucked into the frenzy of consumerism and then people are pissy, grumpy and frustrated-- and who want's to be around friends and family who are like that?!?!

shop. buy. spend. debt. money, money, money... money sucks.

i'm just bitter because i don't have any. money stresses me out. lack of money makes me want to jump off of a bridge.

love... "all we need is love"... love is hard to come by, though... harder to get than money. easy to give... well, TOO easy for me, sometimes.

i think WAY to much... my mind can't be still... it won't turn off. there's a constant, neverending stream of words and songs and voices and past conversations and wishes and to-do lists and resolutions and....

i wish there was an off switch.

2002-12-20T14:09:00.000-08:00

ok, so i am so really for this day to be over! i can't even explain to you... this has been the longest, most stressful, emotionally draining week EVER!!!!!!!!

i need to move to guam.

2002-12-19T11:49:00.000-08:00

well, i'm giving this thing a shot. we'll see what happens. maybe it will provide the outlet i that need.